My friends, I stand before you now a changed man. I have been enlightened.
“Rev Chris” has shown me the way.
Normally, I wouldn’t think you could learn much about the world from reading a website devoted to Satanism, but then, I’ve never read anything quite like the “Crypt of Lost Souls” website before either.
Editor's note. This site has since been shut down. Sorry!
I could tell this site was gonna be different from the moment I loaded the first page. After all, you don’t find many Satanism sites with the words “Welcome to my site” in bright blue letters across the top.
The main tip off, however, was probably from this paragraph here:
Im Rev.Chris I Have Study'ed Many Type's Of Magick Wich Will Be Seen Here Or In Day's Too Come Currently I Am Trying Too Find A Necromancy Teacher... If You Are One Or Know Of One E-mail me.
The stunning power and authority conveyed in the above jumble of words is simply staggering. I can find no words to properly convey my complete awe. Obviously Rev. Chris is a man not to be taken lightly.
After all, he DOES capitalize each and every word… and proper grammar is apparently beneath the great Rev. Chris.
You just can’t argue with facts like that.
Also, did I mention that Rev. Chris is 16 years old? Who is better equipped to teach you the answers to all of life’s many mysteries than a 16 year old?
Picture redacted.
I had to know more. The good Rev.Chris has picked up another follower. I read on, hoping to gain wisdom from his section titled: Study’ed Many Type’s of Magick.
This Is A Relgios And Magick Site If You Find Any Thing On These Pages Offensive Fuckk Off Its Your Own Damn Fault For Looking At It You Cant Hold Me Responsible For Your Actions
AS I SAY IT SO SHALL IT BE!
Any prior concerns I had that maybe Rev.Chris was a phony were completely irradicated by his last statement.
As I say, it so shall be.
Greater words were never spoken.
I’m still not sure what Relgios is, but it doesn’t matter cause he said it, and so it is. However, he DID explain what Magick is, in his section entitled “What Magick is”.
Rev.Chris does not waste time with fancy titles.
The Diffrence between magick and magic.
Ok Aleister Crowley Believed as do i that magick should be spelld magick instead of magic becouse magic is a art of illusion when one does magic he makes a coin pop out from in your ear or makes a car fly on invisable wire's and magick is real it makes things happen still too the users wishings and still things that mite not normaly happen but it will be real not fake so the Diffrence is magic is illusions and magick is pure real.
I don’t know who the hell Aleister Crowley is, but I do know this…
Magick is pure real. There’s nothing un-real about it. Its not half real, kinda real, or impure real.
That shit’s PURE real.
COLOR IN MAGICK
Collor's In Magick Well Forget It Couse There Aint Any. Magick Is Nature And Thus Is Neather Black Nor White. Some Will Say Black Magick Is Too Hurt Some One And White Magick Is Too Help Some One But That Is Far From The Truth. Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self....
I’m gonna completely step out of character now.
Let me break this little paragraph down for you all…
COLOR IN MAGICK
Collor's In Magick Well Forget It Couse There Aint Any. Magick Is Nature And Thus Is Neather Black Nor White.
See them words up there? They state, quite simply, that there is no such thing as Black Magick, or White Magick.
I don’t see any other way to interperet that. HOWEVER…
Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self...
Now, granted, I didn’t go to Evil Necromancy School or anything, but if you ask me, he just told us that there’s such a thing as Black and White magick in the same paragraph that he tells us there is no such thing as Black or White magick.
Now, for one last look at Rev.Chris’s rules on the Color of Magick…
Some Will Say Black Magick Is Too Hurt Some One And White Magick Is Too Help Some One But That Is Far From The Truth. Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self....
You say ‘tom-ah-to’… and I say ‘you’re a fucking idiot’.
That’s the same god damned thing. Far from the Truth my ass.
Here’s a picture I pulled off his site. I assume he picked it because it looks scary, or spooky, or gothic… Or maybe there’s a rule written somewhere where if you make a site about Satanism, you have to post a picture of weird looking goat head monsters with orb holding pedistals jutting from their heads and round womanly pectorals…
I can see why Satanism is so popular!
Rev.Chris didn’t stop his brilliant teaching there though. By god no, Rev.Chris is a learned teacher of the arts of magick, and therefore he has MANY great and wonderful things to teach us.
Such as, according to Rev.Chris, the Truths and Facts about Magick and the like.
WHY AM I EVIL IF I DONT LOOK IT.
LOOKS DONT MATTER MORON! god damn you discrimnating ass hole look at PUZUZU's pic on his site does he look evil to you? almost all of the most famos evil and dark people in the midievil days where colors like light and dark blue yellow pink white orange you know why? elements gods/goddess kings/queens deseption and becouse thats what they liked to where
Now, again, I don’t know that much about evil, but I really find it hard to believe that the number one Truth/Fact about being evil is that looks don’t matter you discriminating asshole.
I looked everywhere on mister Puzuzu’s site for a pic of him, and I couldn’t find one. I did however find a pic that illustrates Rev. Chris’s point rather nicely.
See? They look like stupid little cartoons, but in reality, they are EVIL INCARNATE!!!
Now then, since Rev. Chris is so smart and intelligent about what makes evil EVIL, let’s have a look at what exactly makes a Goth a goth.
Shall we?
WHAT A GOTH REALY IS.
a goth is a midievil cathlic started by the cathlics and THE NUNS! the midievil goths stood for truth honer courge not death satan and lookin scary. most goths were the churchs wariors exersits so forget the bull shit you used to beleve they didnt worship satan they didnt where chokers and shit though they did where scull necklaces and stuff why nobody truly knows only can guess.
Well, that was thoroughly informative. I do believe I’ve come away from his two sentence segment on Goths a much smarter person.
I’d dare go as far as to say that I’m even an authority on Goths now!
Go ahead! Ask me anything! Wha? What are modern Goths? Can’t you read? Goths don’t exist anymore! They were nuns from way long ago that wore skulls for no reason!
I suppose you have a point…
What he just said is what a Goth really WAS. Past tense. Not what a goth really IS. Current tense. Or whatever.
Allow me to fix his blunder.
WHAT A GOTH REALLY IS.
A goth is a pathetic waste of skin who sits around at home in his room trying to look scary. Goths are all about being really weird and bizarre in order to get attention, not because they really ARE evil. Most goths think they are vampires, and almost all of them somehow believe that Satan really thinks a bunch of skinny nerds dressed in black with choker necklaces with skulls and stuff will somehow defeat God by looking evil and writing stupid ass poetry.
Why? Nobody truly knows and can only guess.
See how much more accurate my version is?
Funnier too!
Well, unless you’re a goth.
But then… who cares what they think?
Ok, so Rev Chris knows all and sees all things Goth related.
What about vampires?
psst: I know its long, but you REALLY need to read this next bit. its classic
TRUTHS ABOUT BEING A VAMPIRE
We can live in the sun hell im in it now.....kinda bright though we dont live forever although some of us probly will live longer then most people but if you got a axe chopd off my head got a gun and shot me or some thing i would defintly day as would all vampires i know WE CAN EAT OTHR FOOD BESIDES BLOOD! we would all be tiny if we didnt eat nothing but blood i know im scrawny but i cant help it but there can be big vampires.........rare but there can be all vampires are beauteful looking..... HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA! you saw my picture i aint beauteful im a ugly shit head and in know alot other ugly vampires cross's hurt us ya right thats why i wear a gothic skull cross necklace we have to sleep in coffins NO WE DONT! i havent slept in a coffin yet i dont plan to for awhile although with my luck ill be dead before im and adult vampires hate garlic i love garlic toast its good espicialy with pasta vampires have big sharp pointy teeth.....some but its natural for it DUH! look in the miror you see those to sharp teeth where the vampires are suposed to be? thats what we have there every day chewing teeth all vampires have cat like eyes or blue ice eyes look at my picture do i have eyes like that? come on give me a break most of us dont have eyes like that unless we whear contacts or do magick...
So… wait… According to Rev.Chris…
- Vampires can live in th sun
- they can eat regular food
- they can die and don’t live forever
- The symbol of Christ doesn’t hurt them
- they don’t sleep in coffins
* Garlic does nothing to them
- they don’t have pointy teeth OR funky eyes.
What the hell DOES make a vampire a vampire then?
Drinking blood? psh, I can do that. I wouldn’t, but I could.
What about all the cool vampire stuff? Can you turn into a bat? Can I see you in the mirror? Do you have supernatural strength? I keep hearing that a vampire has all these cool powers and stuff. But if they aren’t immortal and they don’t have those funky eyes…
What’s the fucking appeal?
The best line of all though, was this one:
Preach on, Brother Chris.
When instructing on how to train your magick, Rev.Chris mentions this:
You Could Join Karate For That's Not Just self Defnese It Also Help's With Concentration And energy Use's. But things better Then karate Are 1 Yoga. 2 Ninjutsu and or kungfu. 3 aikido.........
So from this, I think I can safely assume that Chris thinks he’s a Evil Ninja Vampire Priest Wizard.
Its a good thing he’s informed us all that looks don’t matter, cause from looking at his picture, I’d have to call him a liar.
Instead, I’ll just call him an idiot.
Rev.Chris had this to say about his coven:
Coven Of The Lady And The Lord
Welcome's Every One From Every Beliefe Systom And Life Style We Do Not Discrimanate Against Any One And If Some One Does The WILL Be Kickd Out Realy Fast....There Are Wiccan's Witch's Pagan's Celt's And Celtic's And Satanist's Already In The Coven But We Will Welcome Any one....Though We Dont Take Kindly Too Devil Worshiper's....
If you’d like to join his satanic cult devoted to the Dark Lord and his evil teachings, you can reach him via his e-mail addy at: satanic_magus@satannet.org
But remember, he doesn’t take too kindly to Satanic worshippers.