I’m not sure what it is about celebrities that makes us all freak out. Anytime there’s a celebrity around, we lose all control of our sanity. No matter how cynical you may be, if you see Jennifer Aniston in line next to you at McDonald’s, you’ll shit your pants right there. Just because its that one girl from TV. You could hate the shit out of “Friends”, but seeing a famous person in person will be the highlight of your whole fucking month. Even if you just got married yesterday.
But why?
Tom Cruise is just another guy, right? Steven Tyler? Pamela Anderson?
Why the hell do we freak out when we see one of them on the street? We KNOW its stupid. We just can’t help ourselves.
I live in a football town. Husker town. If you bad mouth the Huskers around here, you’d better do it really quietly, behind closed doors, with the TV blaring. In a different city. Cause we’ll hear you anyway.
Not that I’d care. I fucking hate the Huskers (lucky for me, I can type pretty quietly). Actually, I don’t so much hate the Huskers as I do the god damned fans out here. Its all anyone can talk about. At all. The Huskers. Day and night.
Its on the radio shows, the news, the commercials, all the billboards, and the newspapers. Oh my god, the newspapers. The President could fall out of an airplane and learn to fly before hitting the ground, and still managed to die because two meteors slammed into him before he was eaten by Godzilla.
If Tom Osbourne ate a sandwich that same day, you’d have to turn to page nine to read about stupid old Mr-Not-A-Husker.
Two days ago, we had a flash flood. The water got so high that cars were floating around. What was the headline in the next morning’s paper?
"COACHING SERIES: Osborne knew he would miss coaching"
See… He was thinking about giving up being a senator in order to coach again.
Meanwhile, this guy is up fuck creek without a paddle:
Must be an Iowa State fan.
Even most non-Husker fans know who Tom Osbourne is. He’s the Nebraska football team’s coach who became a senator, simply because he’s the Coach! Why, if he can whip Oklahoma’s butt in football, just IMAGINE what he can do about hunger in the US! Osama bin who? Shit, ole Tommy Osbourne’ll fix him! Run the option Tom!! RUN IT UP HIS ASS!!!
Yeah, that was off-topic. So what? Its my article, god damnit.
I was in Walgreens the other day. Tommy Frasier walked in, and everyone went nuts. You don’t know who Tommy Frasier is? You probably don’t live in Nebraska then. “OHMYGOD, ITS TOMMY!! You know, that one guy who took a ball and ran around with it for the Huskers - but who wasn’t good enough at running around with the ball to get paid to run around with it alongside the professional ball runners!! Get my camera!!”
Yesterday, the “Samsung Britney Spears Karaoke Party Bus” was outside Best Buy, and people were getting their pictures taken next to the bus, and paying for tours.
Of the bus. Britney wasn’t there. Britney was never there. Britney probably doesn’t even know where Nebraska is. But people were freaking out nonetheless. AND PAYING TO BE GUIDED AROUND A BUS. All because of the name Britney. And the big ass picture of her face plastered on the side of the bus. Imagine the chaos that would have resulted if she’d have been there!
And what about going to a concert. Ever seen a Michael Jackson concert? (If not, turn on VH1 right now. Seriously. I think that asshole owns that channel. I’ll bet you he’s on right now) Ever watch the girls scream and cry like they might die of total bliss because Michael is in the same stadium as they are? Its crazy. Its as though they’ve found their new Jesus, only his nose is diseased.
They don’t do this when they’re listening his CDs at home. But why not? Same reason they don’t scream like a lunatic while they’re watching Friends. Because the person isn’t right there, in front of them (that, and cause its really hard to hear your CD or TV when you’re screaming like that).
So if we see them on TV all the time, what difference does it make that we saw them at the laundromat, or the fast food restaraunt, or some other normal day thing? On TV, they’re at least doing something ENTERTAINING. We don’t scream in hysterics then. But the moment you happen to see them buying a Whopper, all hell breaks lose.
I’d like to think that I’m not like that. I can’t imagine being near Jerry Seinfeld, and thinking to myself “OH MY GOD, I’m only 30 feet away from JERRY!!!” But I know I would.
I’d hop in my car, speed home, and tell my wife that I just saw Jerry Seinfeld. Then I’d run to my best friend’s house while he’s boinking his girl friend and tell THEM that I saw Jerry Seinfeld. Then I’d call my parents and saw “I SAW JERRY!!!” Then I’d probably hit all the forums saying how cool Jerry is and how I wish my wife could have his babies. I’d probably say ‘r0x0r’ and ‘omg’ and all that stupid shit that stupid people say because they can’t think straight. I mean, who could? It was JERRY FUCKING SEINFELD. He makes JOKES!!! HE’S FUNNY!! AND I SAW HIM!!
I’d like to think I wouldn’t do this.
But I know I would.
I know I would, because I already have.
Sort of. I never saw Jerry Seinfeld. No, that would have been kinda dignified. I saw something much more childish.
I saw boobies.
I saw her boobies. In Playboy.
I told all my co-workers. I called my best friend and told him. I sped home and told my wife. I wrote a letter to my parents.
I told everyone. “Open your Playboy!” I told them. “See those boobies?!? I went to school with those boobies!!” I said.
Its stupid, I know. Its immature. It was over five years ago that I even last SAW her.
And she probably didn’t even know I existed.
I was just some kid who sat in a corner and never said anything to anyone. I was a complete nobody.
But you know what?
I SAW HER BOOBIES!!!! I SAW HER BOOBIES!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! FINALLY!!! She wouldn’t have given me the time of day before, but NOW I can see her boobies anytime I want!!
And that’s the whole reason I wrote this entire thing. This entire article was solely so I could brag that I only slightly tangentally knew some girl that posed nude in Playboy.
I told you this celebrity shit was stupid.