Friday the Thirteenth.
When I was younger, there were two movies that ruled the horror genre. Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the Thirteenth. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were evil, immortal, insanely scarey icons. And then they made a slew of really REALLY bad sequels, completely ruining any credibility these characters ever had as being cool evil villains.
I submit to you the latest addition to a franchise that should have been buried 4 episodes ago (at least).
Jason X.
I realize this movie hasn’t been released, but before you try to tell me I shouldn’t judge a movie without seeing it first, please consider this:
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THIS MOVIE COULD BE GOOD.
Now, keeping that in mind, allow me to describe to you the basic premise of this movie. Taken directly from their own website. (be sure to watch the trailer. Its amazing. No really. You will wonder at how this movie EVER got past the concept design stage. I’m betting the guy who wrote the script either never really read it after it was finished, or he commited suicide from the horrible shame)
Sometime in the near future, a group of scientists try to chryogenically freeze Jason in order to contain him. Something goes horribly wrong, and Jason kills them all and gets himself frozen at the same time.
Now, 400 years in the future, Earth is a barren wasteland. And apparently, barren wastelands are science projects, since a group of high school students go to Earth to research ancient Earth. Naturally, they decide to research Jason. They bring him aboard the ship, where he thaws out and starts killing them.
This movie SCREAMS retarded coorporate business suits sitting in a room, talking about what would make a cool movie.
Suit #1: What we need is a horror movie, where lots of people die and are killed and there’s blood everywhere. Cause there aren’t enough of those yet.
Suit #2: Ooh! Let’s put lots of teenage kids in it, and give it an R rating! Cause all grown adults want to see teenagers getting killed in inconcievably stupid ways!
Suit #1: God damn, that’s a brilliant idea #2! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #1: Now, we need a storyline…
Suit #3: Allow me… We resurrect the old Friday the 13th franchise!
Suit #1: Its so inane that nobody would see it coming! Genius!
Suit #4: But we can’t just make it a movie about Jason. Nobody wants to see rehashed old movies. We need a fresh, cutting edge new angle for this movie.
Suit #1: How about Jason, in the future?
Suit #3: Great idea! Nobody would know about him, so it’ll be just like discovering a horrible secret all over again! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #2: Wait wait, I have a great idea! We’ll add in some ninja kung foo heroes to fight him, and give them Matrix style costumes!
Suit #1: And they fight in a space-ship! And in the middle of the fight, Jason gets metalic cyber implants to make him even more powerful!!
Table of Suits: Raises all around!! Hoorah!!!
After all, what could possibly be wrong with taking an indestructable entity like Jason out of his home on Crystal Lake, and dumping him onto a Spaceship?? That’s just pure fucking genius!! Who cares that Jason exists because of his horrible accident/murder at Crystal Lake? Who cares that everything that made him cool was his hockey mask, which they ruthlessly take from him in this new incarnation, only to replace it with a really ugly robotic looking mask, that doesn’t even RESEMBLE a hockey mask?
Why the hell did they even CALL him Jason? If they were going to completely create a new villain, why try to make it Jason? Obviously these guys are inept, to say the least, but couldn’t they have even TRIED to come up with a different story that doesn’t involve Jason, but instead merely their new cyber-demon?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some huge fan of the Friday the 13th series or anything. I just REALLY hate the general idea that movie makers seem to have that if you’re going to revive an old series, you have to COMPLETELY change the way the movie worked and then ‘upgrade’ it into some kind of freak Robo Voorhees. Er… Well, you get my meaning.
Why don’t I make a movie about Freddy Krueger, only in space!! Hell, let’s go all out and give him robotic powered claws and place him in the Star Wars universe! Luke Skywalker may have been able to defeat Darth Vader, but how would he handle Freddy Krueger with cyber claws and a brand spankin new red striped armor suit!
Yoda could fall asleep only to be drug up the wall and shredded upon the ceiling.
My point is that this movie will suck. Whether you like it or not.
And with that, I leave you with this picture from the movie.
Ph33r my l33t $kiLL$!! I is uber!! OMG OWNED!!!