I'm not sure what it is about celebrities that makes us all freak out. Anytime there's a celebrity around, we lose all control of our sane side. No matter how cynical you may be, if you see Jennifer Aniston in line next to you at McDonald's, you'll shit your pants right there. Just because its that one girl from TV. You could hate the shit out of "Friends", but seeing a famous person in person will be the highlight of your whole fucking month. Even if you just got married yesterday.
But why?
Tom Cruise is just another guy, right? Steve Tyler is just another really skinny dude with big ass lips... right? And Pamela Anderson is just another really crazy hot woman who can't say no to a rock star with a video camera. Right?
Why the hell do we freak out when we see one of them on the street? We KNOW its stupid. We just can't help ourselves.
I live in a football town. Husker town. You bad mouth the Huskers, you'd better do it really quietly, behind closed doors, with the TV blaring. In a different city. Cause we'll hear you anyway.
Not that I'd care. I fucking hate the Huskers (lucky for me, I can type pretty quietly). Actually, I don't so much hate the Huskers as I do the gay ass fans out here. Its all anyone can talk about. At all. The Huskers. Day and night.
Its on the radio shows, the news, the commercials, all the billboards, and the newspapers. Oh my god, the newspapers. President Bush could fall out of an airplane and learn to fly before hitting the ground, but died anyway because two meteors slammed him into Godzilla. If Tom Osbourne ate a sandwich that same day, you'd have to turn to page nine to read about stupid old Mr-Not-A-Husker.
Two days ago, we had a flash flood. Cars were floating around, the water got so high. What was the headline in the next morning's paper?
"COACHING SERIES: Osborne knew he would miss coaching"
See... He was thinking about giving up being a senator in order to coach again.
Meanwhile, this guy is up fuck creak without a paddle. Must be an Iowa State fan.
Even most non-Husker fans know who Tom Osbourne is. He's the Nebraska football team's coach who became a senator, simply because he's the Coach! Why, if he can whip Oklahoma's butt in football, just IMAGINE what he can do about hunger in the US! Osama bin who? Shit, ole Tommy Osbourne'll fix him! Run the option Tom!! RUN IT UP HIS ASS!!!
Yeah, that was off-topic. So what? Its my article, god damnit.
I was in Walgreens the other day. Tommy Frasier walked in, and everyone went nuts. You don't know who Tommy Frasier is? You probably don't live in Nebraska then. "OHMYGOD, ITS TOMMY!! You know, that one guy who took a ball and ran it around for a while, but sucked too bad to get paid to run that ball around with professional ball runners!! Get my camera!!"
Yesterday, The Samsung Britney Spears Karaoke Party Bus was outside Best Buy, and people were getting their pictures taken next to the bus, and paying for tours.
Of the bus. Britney wasn't there. Britney was never there. Britney probably doesn't even know where Nebraska is. But people were freaking out nonetheless. AND PAYING TO BE GUIDED AROUND A BUS. All because of the name Britney. And the big ass picture of her face plastered on the side of the bus. Imagine the chaos that would have resulted if she'd have been there!
And what about going to a concert to see your favorite musician butcher their songs live, right in front of you? Ever seen a Michael Jackson concert? (If not, turn on VH1 right now. Seriously. I think that shit fuck owns that channel. I'll bet you he's on right now) Ever watch the girls scream and cry like they might die of total bliss because Michael is in the same stadium as they are? Its crazy. Its as though they've found their new Jesus, only his nose is diseased.
They don't do this when they're listening his CDs at home. But why not? Same reason they don't scream like a lunatic while they're watching Friends. Because the person isn't right there, in front of them. (that, and cause its really hard to hear your CD or TV when you're screaming like that)
So if we see them on TV all the time, what difference does it make that we saw them at the laundromat, or the fast food restaraunt, or some other normal day thing? On TV, they're at least doing something ENTERTAINING. We don't scream in hysterics then. But the moment you happen to see them buying a Whopper, all hell breaks lose.
I'd like to think that I'm not like that. I can't imagine being near Jerry Seinfeld, and thinking to myself "OH MY GOD, I'm only 30 feet away from JERRY!!!" But I know I would.
I'd hop in my car, speed home, and tell my wife that I just saw Jerry Seinfeld. Then I'd run in on my room mate while he's boinking his girl friend and tell THEM that I saw Jerry Seinfeld. Then I'd call my parents and saw "I SAW JERRY!!!" Then I'd probably hit all the forumns saying how cool Jerry is and how I wish my wife could have his babies. I'd probably saw 'r0x0r' and 'omg' and all that stupid shit that stupid people say because they can't think straight. I mean, who could? It was JERRY FUCKING SEINFELD. He makes JOKES!!! HE'S FUNNY!!"
I'd like to think I wouldn't do this. But I know I would. How do I know I'd do this? Because I have. Sort of. I never saw Jerry Seinfeld. No, that would have been kinda dignified. I saw something much more childish.
I saw boobies.
I saw her boobies.
I sped home, and told my wife. I ran in and told my room mate to look closely at his Playboy. I called up my parents and said "HOLY SHIT MOMMY, I SAW BOOBIES!!" Well, ok, no I didn't.
I did call a few friends though. I told them "Open your Playboy!" (take note that all of them had one) Then I told them "See those boobies?!? I know those boobies!! I used to fantasize about those boobies!!!" Then they all said "HOLY SHIT, I USED TO GO TO SCHOOL WITH THOSE BOOBIES!!!" And we all had a moment of pure bliss. Over boobies.
I know. Its stupid. Its immature. Its was over five years ago that I even SAW her.
And she probably didn't even know I existed.
I was just some stupid nerdy kid in school who wouldn't quit staring at her, or any other remotely attractive girl. I was a complete nobody.
Five years have passed since I'd seen her. Its probably been close to ten years since she'd even looked at me.
But you know what?
I SAW HER BOOBIES!!!! I SAW HER BOOBIES!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! FINALLY!!! She wouldn't give the light of day before, but NOW I can see her boobies anytime I want!!
And that's the whole reason I wrote this entire thing. This entire article was solely so I could brag that I once knew some girl who eventually flashed her tits in Playboy.
I told you this celebrity shit was stupid.
Crypt of Lost Souls
My friends, I stand before you now a changed man. I have been enlightened.
"Rev Chris" has shown me the way.
Normally, I wouldn't think you could learn much about the world from reading a website devoted to Satanism, but then, I've never read anything quite like the "Crypt of Lost Souls" website before either.
Editor's note. This site has since been shut down. Sorry!
I could tell this site was gonna be different from the moment I loaded the first page. After all, you don't find many Satanism sites with the words "Welcome to my site" in bright blue letters across the top.
The main tip off, however, was probably from this paragraph here:
Im Rev.Chris I Have Study'ed Many Type's Of Magick Wich Will Be Seen Here Or In Day's Too Come Currently I Am Trying Too Find A Necromancy Teacher... If You Are One Or Know Of One E-mail me.
The stunning power and authority conveyed in the above jumble of words is simply staggering. I can find no words to properly convey my complete awe. Obviously Rev. Chris is a man not to be taken lightly.
After all, he DOES capitalize each and every word... and proper grammar is apparently beneath the great Rev. Chris.
You just can't argue with facts like that.
Only 16 years old and already a self proclaimed Reverand, Chris is seen here fondling his EVIL DEVIL WORSHIPPING KITTY which he so lovingly named "Fuzzy Wuzzy Woozle Bear".
I had to know more. The good Rev.Chris has picked up another follower. I read on, hoping to gain wisdom from his section titled: Study'ed Many Type's of Magick.
This Is A Relgios And Magick Site If You Find Any Thing On These Pages Offensive Fuckk Off Its Your Own Damn Fault For Looking At It You Cant Hold Me Responsible For Your Actions
AS I SAY IT SO SHALL IT BE!
Any prior concerns I had that maybe Rev.Chris was a phony were completely irradicated by his last statement.
As I say, it so shall be.
Greater words were never spoken.
I'm still not sure what Relgios is, but it doesn't matter cause he said it, and so it is. However, he DID explain what Magick is, in his section entitled "What Magick is".
Rev.Chris does not waste time with fancy titles.
The Diffrence between magick and magic.
Ok Aleister Crowley Believed as do i that magick should be spelld magick instead of magic becouse magic is a art of illusion when one does magic he makes a coin pop out from in your ear or makes a car fly on invisable wire's and magick is real it makes things happen still too the users wishings and still things that mite not normaly happen but it will be real not fake so the Diffrence is magic is illusions and magick is pure real.
I don't know who the hell Aleister Crowley is, but I do know this...
Magick is pure real. There's nothing un-real about it. Its not half real, kinda real, or impure real.
That shit's PURE real.
COLOR IN MAGICK
Collor's In Magick Well Forget It Couse There Aint Any. Magick Is Nature And Thus Is Neather Black Nor White. Some Will Say Black Magick Is Too Hurt Some One And White Magick Is Too Help Some One But That Is Far From The Truth. Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self....
I'm gonna completely step out of character now.
Let me break this little paragraph down for you all...
COLOR IN MAGICK Collor's In Magick Well Forget It Couse There Aint Any. Magick Is Nature And Thus Is Neather Black Nor White.
See them highlighted words up there? They state, quite simply, that there is no such thing as Black Magick, or White Magick.
I don't see any other way to interperet that. HOWEVER...
Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self....
Now, granted, I didn't go to Evil Necromancy School or anything, but if you ask me, he just told us that there's such a thing as Black and White magick in the same paragraph that he tells us there is no such thing as Black or White magick.
Now, for one last look at Rev.Chris's rules on the Color of Magick...
Some Will Say Black Magick Is Too Hurt Some One And White Magick Is Too Help Some One But That Is Far From The Truth. Some One Who Does Black Magick Does Magick For Self-Empowerment And too Help One's Self One Way Or Another While Some One Who Does White Magick Does Magick Too Help More Of Other's Then Him/Her Self....
You say 'tom-ah-to'... and I say 'you're a fucking idiot'.
That's the same god damned thing. Far from the Truth my ass.
Here's a picture I pulled off his site. I assume he picked it because it looks scary, or spooky, or gothic... Or maybe there's a rule written somewhere where if you make a site about Satanism, you have to post a picture of weird looking goat head monsters with orb holding pedistals jutting from their heads and round womanly pectorals...
I can see why Satanism is so popular!
Rev.Chris didn't stop his brilliant teaching there though. By god no, Rev.Chris is a learned teacher of the arts of magick, and therefore he has MANY great and wonderful things to teach us.
Such as, according to Rev.Chris, the Truths and Facts about Magick and the like.
WHY AM I EVIL IF I DONT LOOK IT.LOOKS DONT MATTER MORON! god damn you discrimnating ass hole look at PUZUZU's pic on his site does he look evil to you? almost all of the most famos evil and dark people in the midievil days where colors like light and dark blue yellow pink white orange you know why? elements gods/goddess kings/queens deseption and becouse thats what they liked to where
Now, again, I don't know that much about evil, but I really find it hard to believe that the number one Truth/Fact about being evil is that looks don't matter you discriminating asshole.
I looked everywhere on mister Puzuzu's site for a pic of him, and I couldn't find one. I did however find a pic that illustrates Rev. Chris's point rather nicely.
See? They look like stupid little cartoons, but in reality, they are EVIL INCARNATE!!!
Now then, since Rev. Chris is so smart and intelligent about what makes evil EVIL, let's have a look at what exactly makes a Goth a goth.
Shall we?
WHAT A GOTH REALY IS.
a goth is a midievil cathlic started by the cathlics and THE NUNS! the midievil goths stood for truth honer courge not death satan and lookin scary. most goths were the churchs wariors exersits so forget the bull shit you used to beleve they didnt worship satan they didnt where chokers and shit though they did where scull necklaces and stuff why nobody truly knows only can guess.
Well, that was thoroughly informative. I do believe I've come away from his two sentence segment on Goths a much smarter person.
I'd dare go as far as to say that I'm even an authority on Goths now!
Go ahead! Ask me anything! Wha? What are modern Goths? Can't you read? Goths don't exist anymore! They were nuns from way long ago that wore skulls for no reason!
I suppose you have a point...
What he just said is what a Goth really WAS. Past tense. Not what a goth really IS. Current tense. Or whatever.
Allow me to fix his blunder.
WHAT A GOTH REALLY IS.
A goth is a pathetic waste of skin who sits around at home in his room trying to look scary. Goths are all about being really weird and bizarre in order to get attention, not because they really ARE evil. Most goths think they are vampires, and almost all of them somehow believe that Satan really thinks a bunch of skinny nerds dressed in black with choker necklaces with skulls and stuff will somehow defeat God by looking evil and writing stupid ass poetry.
Why? Nobody truly knows and can only guess.
See how much more accurate my version is?
Funnier too!
Well, unless you're a goth.
But then... who cares what they think?
Ok, so Rev Chris knows all and sees all things Goth related.
What about vampires?
psst: I know its long, but you REALLY need to read this next bit. its classic
TRUTHS ABOUT BEING A VAMPIRE
We can live in the sun hell im in it now.....kinda bright though we dont live forever although some of us probly will live longer then most people but if you got a axe chopd off my head got a gun and shot me or some thing i would defintly day as would all vampires i know WE CAN EAT OTHR FOOD BESIDES BLOOD! we would all be tiny if we didnt eat nothing but blood i know im scrawny but i cant help it but there can be big vampires.........rare but there can be all vampires are beauteful looking..... HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA! you saw my picture i aint beauteful im a ugly shit head and in know alot other ugly vampires cross's hurt us ya right thats why i wear a gothic skull cross necklace we have to sleep in coffins NO WE DONT! i havent slept in a coffin yet i dont plan to for awhile although with my luck ill be dead before im and adult vampires hate garlic i love garlic toast its good espicialy with pasta vampires have big sharp pointy teeth.....some but its natural for it DUH! look in the miror you see those to sharp teeth where the vampires are suposed to be? thats what we have there every day chewing teeth all vampires have cat like eyes or blue ice eyes look at my picture do i have eyes like that? come on give me a break most of us dont have eyes like that unless we whear contacts or do magick...
So... wait... According to Rev.Chris... Vampires can live in th sun, they can eat regular food, they can die and don't live forever. The symbol of Christ doesn't hurt them... they don't sleep in coffins... Garlic does nothing to them, and they don't have pointy teeth OR funky eyes.
What the hell DOES make a vampire a vampire then?
Drinking blood? psh, I can do that. I wouldn't, but I could.
What about all the cool vampire stuff? Can you turn into a bat? Can I see you in the mirror? Do you have supernatural strength? I keep hearing that a vampire has all these cool powers and stuff. But if they aren't immortal and they don't have those funky eyes...
What's the fucking appeal?
The best line of all though, was this one:
Preach on, Brother Chris.
When instructing on how to train your magick, Rev.Chris mentions this:
You Could Join Karate For That's Not Just self Defnese It Also Help's With Concentration And energy Use's. But things better Then karate Are 1 Yoga. 2 Ninjutsu and or kungfu. 3 aikido.........
So from this, I think I can safely assume that Chris thinks he's a Evil Ninja Vampire Priest Wizard.
Its a good thing he's informed us all that looks don't matter, cause from looking at his picture, I'd have to call him a liar.
Instead, I'll just call him an idiot.
Rev.Chris had this to say about his coven:
Coven Of The Lady And The Lord Welcome's Every One From Every Beliefe Systom And Life Style We Do Not Discrimanate Against Any One And If Some One Does The WILL Be Kickd Out Realy Fast....There Are Wiccan's Witch's Pagan's Celt's And Celtic's And Satanist's Already In The Coven But We Will Welcome Any one....Though We Dont Take Kindly Too Devil Worshiper's....
If you'd like to join his satanic cult devoted to the Dark Lord and his evil teachings, you can reach him via his e-mail addy at: satanic_magus@satannet.org
But remember, he doesn't take too kindly to Satanic worshippers.
As an aside note, I'd like to point out that Rev.Chris had a link leading to this in his links section.
Either Chris is getting some booty from the girl who made that website for putting up the link, or Satan's ranks have just gotten even more pathetic than before...
He-Man
Nostalgia is my friend. I compare everything new to all the old stuff I used to love. Stuff like music, movies, tv shows, comics, books... whether its good or not is usually directly related to whether or not it was as good as something else that I used to enjoy.
So imagine my reaction when I saw that the Cartoon Network had a new He-Man series on.
I'll admit that I haven't seen very much of the new He-Man, so I shouldn't probably be writing anything about it. But that's hardly stopped me before, so...
When I was a kid, I used to watch He-Man religiously. If they'd have made a video game about He-Man, I'd have cried because my parents wouldn't buy it for me. Just like I did with all the toys.
A lot of people like to focus on the fact that He-Man STARTED as a toy line, and the cartoon series itself was only made in order to try and sell more of the toys. Frankly, I could care less if it started as a way to force young boys to watch muscular men in underwear and pink shirts in an attempt to make them all gay. The fact was, this cartoon kicked all ass.
Allow me to break it down for you:
He-Man: Here's the obvious place to start. He-Man was strong, sort of almost smart, and had a really big sword. And every so often, he'd ride around on a TIGER. C'mon! He was cool cubed!
Plus, his alter ego was a Prince! Granted, he was a lame prince with a horrible haircut who wore pink and got yelled at by women with boob armor, but still, a Prince is a Prince.
He was the protector of the people, beater-upper-of-bad-people, and he made friends with all kinds of people. There wasn't much this super awesome muscle man couldn't do.
Except math. And read. Well, ok, anything that required brainpower.
But he had a cool voice! Beat THAT, Optimu* er, nevermind.
Teela: I'll be honest here. The only thing I remembered about Teela at ALL was that she was a girl.
Since I remember almost nothing about her, I did a little back ground research.
She was Adam's mentor, who thought he was a lazy moron, cause that's how he acted (so that people wouldn't guess that he was He-Man, who looks exactly like Adam, only with a tan and bracelets. Even Superman has GLASSES at least.
Anyway, she was the daughter of the Sorceress of Greyskull, and her real father was a hero before He-Man was around (who gave his life for Eternia, where everyone lives).
Somehow she ended up being a good person, despite being the daughter of a witch and raised by a guy with a penis helmet named 'Man-At-Arms'.
Sorceress: Once again, I don't remember a whole lot about this character. I remember that she was a heck of a lot cuter than Teela, and she had wings... I'm pretty sure she never flew around or anything though.
Unless you count her turning into an eagle. Which you probably should. Since she did. Its name was Zoar!
I'm tempted to point out that she looks EXACTLY like Teela being swallowed by an Eagle, but then I remember that she's supposed to be Teela's mom. So it kind of makes sense.
She guards Castle Greyskull because its really powerful. And everyone else is too busy doing other things. What things, I don't know. I'd assume that a powerful castle would be something everyone would be interested in, but instead some chick in feathers is wholed up inside by herself. Guarding it.
But since she's a woman, she really sucked at keeping it safe, so she had to give Prince Adam a sword and a catch phrase so that he could turn into a barbarian and come to her rescue. I'm guessing she's not a very good sorceress.
Orko: So far, I'm not off to a very good start. I don't remember much about Orko either.
His main responsibility was to announce when the commercials were over, but every now and then, they'd squeeze him into the actual show too.
I seem to recall him having a really weird voice, and having the hots for some chick... I don't remember who. He was a magician from another land. A land where magicians really sucked, apparently, cause everytime he'd do ANYTHING magical, Man-At-Arms would have something terrible happen to him.
One time, Orko was miles away from the palace with He-Man, and he needed to conjure up a rope. So he did. Meanwhile, back at the palace, Man-At-Arms was eaten by cabbage.
He lived, of course, but you can't deny the awesome power of Orko's blundering magic.
If fact, I can only think of one person who's magical inadequacies top The Big O here. If you don't know who this is, I feel sorry for you. That show rocked. The casba, even!
Cringer: I remember a good deal about Cringer. Cringer made the Cowardly Lion look like Braveheart.
Cringer was afraid of everything and anything. If it had substance, he feared it. If it DIDN'T have substance, he feared it. The ironic part of this whole situation was of course that whenever Princey Adam turned into He-Man, Cringer became the powerful Battlecat. And Cringer was afraid of that too.
Cringer was always trying to avoid turning into Battlecat. Everytime he knew someone was up to trouble, he'd try to sneak off. Sometimes he actually got away with it, and didn't have to turn into Battlecat and become a hero. When He-Man would finish beating up Skeletor and making him cry, he'd come looking for Cringer.
I like to pretend that He-Man beat the shit out of him before turning back into Adam.
Skeletor: That pretty much leaves the main villain. Yeah, there were a lot more characters involved, but I either can't find anything funny to say about them, or couldn't find enough pictures to make it worth while.
Skeletor was Pure Evil given body, if that Pure Evil were to have grown up eating paint chips, spent his entire childhood being repeatedly dropped on his head, and then had acid thrown in his face.
Skeletor LOOKED cool, and even sounded cool, but he was the stupidest villain ever seen, until Shredder showed up.
He surrounded himself with idiots, he kept trying to attack Castle Grayskull, which was OBVIOUSLY a favorite hang out of a guy that kicked his ass EVERY TIME...
I kept waiting for the episode where he discovered that He-Man's true identity was Prince Adam, so that I could see the mental breakdown that would most assuredly occur from learning that the greatest foe you ever faced was the lamest looking prince in the history of ever.
Jason
Friday the Thirteenth.
When I was younger, there were two movies that ruled the horror genre. Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the Thirteenth. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were evil, immortal, insanely scarey icons. And then they made a slew of really REALLY bad sequels, completely ruining any credibility these characters ever had as being cool evil villains.
I submit to you the latest addition to a franchise that should have been buried 4 episodes ago (at least).
Jason X.
I realize this movie hasn't been released, but before you try to tell me I shouldn't judge a movie without seeing it first, please consider this:
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THIS MOVIE COULD BE GOOD.
Now, keeping that in mind, allow me to describe to you the basic premise of this movie. Taken directly from their own website. (be sure to watch the trailer. Its amazing. No really. You will wonder at how this movie EVER got past the concept design stage. I'm betting the guy who wrote the script either never really read it after it was finished, or he commited suicide from the horrible shame)
Sometime in the near future, a group of scientists try to chryogenically freeze Jason in order to contain him. Something goes horribly wrong, and Jason kills them all and gets himself frozen at the same time.
Now, 400 years in the future, Earth is a barren wasteland. And apparently, barren wastelands are science projects, since a group of high school students go to Earth to research ancient Earth. Naturally, they decide to research Jason. They bring him aboard the ship, where he thaws out and starts killing them.
This movie SCREAMS retarded coorporate business suits sitting in a room, talking about what would make a cool movie.
Suit #1: What we need is a horror movie, where lots of people die and are killed and there's blood everywhere. Cause there aren't enough of those yet.
Suit #2: Ooh! Let's put lots of teenage kids in it, and give it an R rating! Cause all grown adults want to see teenagers getting killed in inconcievably stupid ways!
Suit #1: God damn, that's a brilliant idea #2! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #1: Now, we need a storyline...
Suit #3: Allow me... We resurrect the old Friday the 13th franchise!
Suit #1: Its so inane that nobody would see it coming! Genius!
Suit #4: But we can't just make it a movie about Jason. Nobody wants to see rehashed old movies. We need a fresh, cutting edge new angle for this movie.
Suit #1: How about Jason, in the future?
Suit #3: Great idea! Nobody would know about him, so it'll be just like discovering a horrible secret all over again! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #2: Wait wait, I have a great idea! We'll add in some ninja kung foo heroes to fight him, and give them Matrix style costumes!
Suit #1: And they fight in a space-ship! And in the middle of the fight, Jason gets metalic cyber implants to make him even more powerful!!
Table of Suits: Raises all around!! Hoorah!!!
After all, what could possibly be wrong with taking an indestructable entity like Jason out of his home on Crystal Lake, and dumping him onto a Spaceship?? That's just pure fucking genius!! Who cares that Jason exists because of his horrible accident/murder at Crystal Lake? Who cares that everything that made him cool was his hockey mask, which they ruthlessly take from him in this new incarnation, only to replace it with a really ugly robotic looking mask, that doesn't even RESEMBLE a hockey mask?
Why the hell did they even CALL him Jason? If they were going to completely create a new villain, why try to make it Jason? Obviously these guys are inept, to say the least, but couldn't they have even TRIED to come up with a different story that doesn't involve Jason, but instead merely their new cyber-demon?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not some huge fan of the Friday the 13th series or anything. I just REALLY hate the general idea that movie makers seem to have that if you're going to revive an old series, you have to COMPLETELY change the way the movie worked and then 'upgrade' it into some kind of freak Robo Voorhees. Er... Well, you get my meaning.
Why don't I make a movie about Freddy Krueger, only in space!! Hell, let's go all out and give him robotic powered claws and place him in the Star Wars universe! Luke Skywalker may have been able to defeat Darth Vader, but how would he handle Freddy Krueger with cyber claws and a brand spankin new red striped armor suit!
Yoda could fall asleep only to be drug up the wall and shredded upon the ceiling.
My point is that this movie will suck. Whether you like it or not.
And with that, I leave you with this picture from the movie.
Ph33r my l33t $kiLL$!! I is uber!! OMG OWNED!!!
Monster Fishing
Are you tired of the levelling treadmill of current Massive Online Games? Nothing to do but hack away at the same monsters, over and over again, gaining minimal experience and virtually nothing tangible for loot? Tired of having no end-game to work towards, continually advancing your character into a complex and pointless game of expanding numbers? Ever just think: "I'd rather be fishing?"
Well THINK NO MORE!!!
Introducing MONSTER FISHING!!
Other MOGs have realized how boring and painful their core gameplay is, and have cheaply added fishing as an attempt to distract their players who are looking for a little bit more for their $12 and up per month. Ultima Online has it, Asheron's Call added it, Horizons has it, World of Warcraft will feature it... Well we here at N3 Studios realize the flaw with this thinking. Why waste time on the boring crappy action/adventure model when its so obvious that FISHING is such a popular activity?
Its with this common misconception in mind that we happily announce a new kind of MOG. A MOG where sitting in front of your computer pretending that you're sitting in front of your fishing pole watching a string is no longer just a mildly boring 'mini-game' within a game. NOW ITS THE CORE GAME, BABY!!!
That's right, for the first time ever, gamers from across the globe can pretend to enjoy their Dad's favorite past-time in a massive multiplayer setting without all the annoyances of killing monsters, player killing, or hunting for that 'uber' equipment. We've cut through all that other garbage to bring you nonstop fishing, 24/7, with nothing else to do ever! They said it couldn't be done, but we've done it! We've actually managed to remove anything even REMOTELY fun, all in the interest of giving the players what the other stupid game developers thought you actually wanted! Yay!
Monster Fishing features a wide range of options for the character selection process, allowing you to completely customize your character in virtually all categories! (except height, weight, size, shape, or otherwise). None of these categories effect anything, but we'll tell you that they will, all for your benefit, because that's how much we care!
But we don't stop there! No sir! Monster Fishing also features an enormous world filled with a huge library of fish to catch! Travel to teh Great Lakes of Watakashu, the Land of Fire, and test your arsenal of fishing lures against the elusive hellmouth guppie! Or travel to the lost lands of the north and go Ice Fishing for a chance to nab the dangerous teenage mutant ninja turtle-bass! But watch out for those penguins!
Monster Fishing even features an underwater lake, giving power gamers a chance at catching the BIG game!
Fans of questing, fear not, for in monster fishing, fish aren't the only things you can catch! There are many prizes to be found in various parts of the World of Basstopia! Travel the Gamut River of Obsticular Courses, where your skill with a rod will be tested to see if you have what it takes to weild the jewel encrusted Golden Tacklebox of Yore! Or purchase a ride on the Ghost Boat of Bubble Beard, the only boat capable of traveling into the haunted Cave of Doom, searching out all the pieces of an ancient treasure map, which legends tell holds the secret location of the infamous Unbreakable Fishing Line of Infinite Length!! Plus much, much more!!
For the treasure hording enthusiasts, Monster Fishing will allow its players to upgrade their fishing gear by selling your various fish catches for money! The upgraded gear works just like the old gear, but with a cooler name and a different color! Or, if you'd rather, you could try your odds at catching random items while out fishing, like a bobber, a new fishing hook, or even a new house to store all your new loot! Items found in this manner have a chance to feature special 'magical' attributes, some good, and some bad! What can YOU find?!
Tired of the mathmatical number crunching that dominates most of today's current MOGs? Well so are we! Monster Fishing uses an advanced random number generator which does absolutely nothing but assign meaningless numbers to things, completely removing any chance of figuring out the system and exploiting our bad math skills! Everyone wins!
And if you're a fan of live events, well friends, we've got those too! Monster Fishing features a religion system which allows players to choose one of five seperate Gods to worship! It doesn't matter which God you choose, as none of them will ever help you, and each are equally powerful! However, the Gods are controlled by our very own developers, and we're all very petty and egotystical. The four Gods that you've chosen to insult by NOT worshipping them will all be competing with each other to gain your worship, and they'll do anything and everything to convince you that you to change your affiliation, from blowing up your house and everything in it, to constantly throwing your character into a volcano or shooting you with lightning nonstop forever and ever! You can't get much more developer interaction that this!
Since no water-based game can be considered complete without Pirates, Monster Fishing will feature two pirate ships which might randomly appear out of nothingness and attempt to plunder your row-boat! You can't fight them back, as this would be an action/adventure element, and everyone knows this is outdated and boring. So your only option will be to try to outrow them by repeatedly clicking the mouse button over and over until you either outrun them or they board your ship and kill you.
